


Feeling and Being So Blue

by The_Cackling_Cat



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Brainwashed Loki (Marvel), Genderfluid Character, Internalized Xenophobia, Pop Culure References That Are Entirely Clint's Fault, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Shapeshifting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:08:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24535135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Cackling_Cat/pseuds/The_Cackling_Cat
Summary: Typical Loki was brainwashed by Thanos story. There will be a better descriptive summery later.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 44





	Feeling and Being So Blue

For the first time in forever Loki’s mind felt clear, though his body was in extraordinary pain; being smashed into solid concrete repeatedly by a giant, green beast will do that to a person. The physical pain wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. This was nothing compared to being tortured by Thanos and the Chituri. 

  
Loki quickly crawled out of the crevice he and the Hulk created. If he wasn’t so grateful for the Hulk’s assistance in breaking the Other’s hold on his mind he’d be seriously pissed off at the berserker. He almost wanted to hug the green monster, which he knew for a fact would be a bad idea, for freeing him. For the first time in over 2 years (possibly more due to the Void’s usual time flow; it still confused him) he had freedom of both mind and body.

  
Standing by the edge of the tower’s broken window, Loki was about to open a pathway between worlds; he was thinking of fleeing to Alfheim to hide from the wrath of Thanos. He knew father and the rest of Asgard wouldn’t believe him if he explain the truth behind his actions, so going home wasn’t an option though he wished it was. His thought process was immediately cut off by the view of the Midgardian city being destroyed. There was so many people getting injured and killed, and it was all his fault.

  
How many had died because I was too weak? thought Loki. Doing some quick calculations and estimations Loki had concluded the answer to be roughly 100,000. There was 60,000 - 80,000 Frost Giant casualties due to attacking a main area with the Bi-Frost, 1 Asgardian casualty due to freezing Hiemdall, 50 - 90 Midgardian casualties due to Tesseract’s facility collapsing, and now at least 50,000 casualties in this city.

  
He watched as the warrior that claimed the title of Iron Man plummeted to Earth; the Hulk was preparing to catch him as though the speed of the man’s fall won’t affect the impact and the change in pressure won’t put nitrogen bubbles in the man’s blood stream. Without immediate magical interference Iron Man will definitely die and the Hulk will likely get seriously injured. 

  
Well, I do owe a favour to the green berserker for beating the Other out of my head, thought Loki as he readied his magic. 

  
With a deep level of concentration Loki began removing the nitrogen bubbles while slowing the speed of the man’s fall. When the Hulk finally caught him, Loki realized that if he wanted to escape he’d have to leave now. But as he continued to look upon all the destruction he had wreaked, he found himself less inclined to leave. His conscience was screaming at him to remain and face justice; that there was no punishment the All-Father could inflict upon him that he didn’t deserve.

  
Loki could feel his eyes beginning to water; taking a deep breath, he forced back the tears threatening burst forth. Lying back down in the crevice, he waited for his brother to come and take him back to Asgard to face the All-Father’s justice. At least he’d finally be back home; he’d be able to see mother again.

  
It was only a hand full of minutes later that he met the angry gaze of 6 battle-worn heroes. Loki directed smirk in their direction with the intention of infuriating them almost hoping for the archer to shoot him. If destiny has decided to cast him in the role of villain their eyes then he’d play it up.

  
“If it’s all the same to you,” said Loki, grinning at the gaudily dressed hero (with red next to yellow, he vaguely resembled a McDonald’s sign; or at least that’s what Clint told him and he wasn’t really inclined to disagree). “I’ll have that drink now.” 

  
====================

  
The legal processing on Midgard were over with unusually quick; this was likely due SHIELD having to cover-up their own involvement, as while as trying to avoid an interplanetary incident. So Asgard was officially responsible for Loki’s punishment and the safety of the Tesseract as well. 

  
Loki didn’t protest when Thor handcuffed and gagged him with the magic suppressors; it at least gave him a reason not to talk. The Avengers were escorting them to the outside of the compound. Everyone was getting annoyed by his Captain America impression, but Loki didn’t really cared; actually he was almost hoping for someone to snap and kill him. Loki swore he could see a vein pop out on Clint Barton’s forehead when he took the archer’s form.

  
“Seriously, how is he even able to do this?” asked Tony Stark, exasperated. “Aren’t those bracelets supposed to, like, block his magic. Honestly, what’s the point of them if they don’t do that?”

  
“The bindings do succeed in their purpose, Man of Iron,” replied Thor, as he pulled Loki closer to him. “They suppress any magic that is capable of being suppressed.”

  
“Meaning?” inquired Tony, to Clint’s frustration.

  
Clint truly just wanted today to be over; he was tired with alien invasions, alien mind-control, and aliens in general. He’ll always be there to fight the bad guy, but the last several days had been difficult. Committing those despicable acts and not being in control of his own mind had left some very deep wounds and he honestly needed time to heal. Though there was also a sense of wrongness that he was feeling. And no matter how he tried he couldn't pin-point the source. No that he really cared at the moment.

  
In a strange twist of irony, Loki’s own thoughts were rather similar, though he didn’t want to heal and he wanted more than just today to be over. Thor’s booming voice managed to break him out of his semi-suicidal thoughts.

  
“Loki’s shape-shifting and cellular regeneration abilities cannot be suppressed,” explained Thor, with a level of uncertainty; seidr was not his area of expertise. “The bindings can only block power that is expanded away from their body.”

  
Loki rolled his eyes at Thor’s disjointed wording and punctuation, but he had to admit that the explanation was accurate. Nothing could truly rid a sorcerer(ess) of their magic, but the bindings could create a barrier around them so it couldn’t affect those outside the skin-tight barrier.

  
“So I guess this is goodbye for quite some time,” said the Hulk’s alter-ego, Bruce Banner. He must know about the Bi-frost be broken, realized Loki, feeling ashamed.

  
“Yes it is,” said Thor, sadly. His thoughts drifting back to how he was now abandoning Jane for a second time. “Goodbye, my friends.”

  
Thor had then activated the Tesseract. There was a flash of blue light followed by a pulling sensation; this means of travel was even faster the Bi-Frost. Still traveling using the space stone left both Thor and Loki nauseous and disoriented. They landed roughly in front of Heimdall and twenty other soldiers; they all looked at Loki with varying degrees of anger and disgust.

  
“The King has requested your presence in the royal chambers, Prince Thor,” announced Heimdall. “These men will escort your brother to a holding cell in the meantime.”

  
“Will you secure this in the vault?” said Thor, as he handed Heimdall the Tesseract. He had then swung Mjolnir to fly to the palace.

  
If Loki was honest with himself (which truly wasn’t often) he kind of missed his brother’s presence; it made him feel safe. A sensation he rarely ever experienced in recent days. As soon as his brother disappeared from sight two of the guards grasped his upper arms and dragged him towards Asgard’s dungeons. This required going through the city where he was met by the angered gazes of its citizens; and if Loki was truly looking without his usual pessimistic outlook he’d see many of them were more concerned or confused. These people remembered the younger prince as being kind, helpful and completely loyal to Thor; even his less favorable traits, such as his sarcasm and lying, didn’t exactly add up to committing acts of fratricide, patricide, and genocide.

  
Due to the recent head trauma, Loki had blanked out a few times on his journey through the city, into the palace, and down into the dungeons. Each time he saw an eerily beautiful woman watching him; she had dark hair, icy blue eyes and very prominent cheekbones. He had seen this woman many times before during his time with Thanos; she always appeared when he was nearing death. She was also accompanied by a shadow-like creature that would inflict pain, awakening back into a world of pain he couldn’t escape from; he didn’t know what to think of the woman, but he knew that he hated the shadow creature.

  
“Get in there,” demanded one of the guards gruffly; breaking Loki out of his troubled thoughts. The guard had then roughly shoved Loki into the cell; he hadn’t removed the binding nor the muzzle like he was supposed to. The bindings plus the cell’s defenses felt as though they were suffocating him.

  
“Well, well. Look at how far the mighty have fallen?” said a familiar voice in a sickeningly sweet tone. “Locked up like a caged little bird.”

  
Loki kept his face blank as he turned to face Amora; she was starting to look older, which was strange. It had happened over such a short amount of time and for as long as he had known her she had always looked the same. Despite of her most recent aging, she was still very beautiful. And unlike him she was also still free.

  
Obviously, his family didn’t know her part in all this. Loki wondered whether his family would believe him if he told them of his lack of free-will during Thor’s banishment? Not that it really mattered, due to his most recent crimes on tops of his crimes committed prior.

  
The only incident he was entirely at fault for was letting those Frost Giants into the vault. That had unfortunately led to two of Odin’s guards killed. So Loki was far from innocent in all of this; he had committed treason and that was grounds for execution. Thinking back that single act of treason may be the only crime he had done on his own, and he regretted it deeply.

  
_Flashback_

  
_After leaving Jotunheim, Loki found himself down in the vault with tears running down his face. This was all his fault; the two men dying here along the small group of monsters, and Thor’s banishment. And now it seemed as though Fate has decided to punish him by making a monster emerge from beneath his skin. And that was why he was down here now to test whether it was a hallucination. He so dearly didn’t want it to be true; to be an actual monster, a changeling._

  
_“What are doing down here, little bird?” asked Amora, stepping out from behind the shadows of a pillar._

  
_Loki frowned at use of her special nick-name for him; it was based off of his first successful shape-shift into animal form. Though that wasn’t why he didn’t like it; it just seemed too affectionate. Amora used to be his teacher and during that time she would do things to him that he didn’t want. He was glad when he had excelled pass her and she had nothing more to teach him._

  
_“I could ask you the same,” replied Loki, refusing to back down from her. “I thought you were back in Vanaheim.”_

  
_“I was,” answered Amora, circling around Loki. “But I grew concerned for my ex-student.”_

  
_“Well, your concern is unwarranted,” said Loki, forcing a smile that was more of a grimace. “You may take your leave now.”_

  
_“I don’t think it was considering you just recently committed treason,” replied Amora, a smirk tugging at the corners of her mouth. “And you were sloppy about it. I had to manipulate the Destroyer to kill everyone so that pathway you created would not be exposed.”_

  
_“Wait. What?!” asked Loki, horrified. “The pathway would have collapsed by itself before the Jotuns could take anything. There was no reason to activate the Destroyer the guards come have handle them.”_

  
_“No, they couldn’t,” explained Amora, as she gently caressed Loki’s face. “That’s your major flaw, Loki. You always think you’re the smartest one in the room. And yet you didn’t realize that the Frost Giants knew how to stabilize the pathway. That means your magical signature would still be there. That means I had to get involved and depose of the witnesses.”_

  
_“How could you bring harm upon your own people? Those men hailed from Vanaheim like yourself,” said Loki, feeling shocked by Amora’s cold-bloodedness._

  
_“Oh, don’t be such a hypocrite,” admonished Amora lightly. “You’ve managed to betray both your race and the race you were raised as.”_

  
_“What do you mean by that?” asked Loki, outwardly calm, but inwardly was very, very scared._

  
_“I was scrying earlier today-”_

  
_“But I know how to block myself from sight,” interrupted Loki, panicking. “I can hide from Heimdall.”_

  
_“Well, I may not be Heimdall, but I know how to work around your little tricks,” explained Amora, moving away, sashaying her hips playfully. “Honestly, when you’re with anyone it’s usually either Frigga or Thor. So that’s only two people I have to look for. And from there I can see whatever they see-”_

  
_“Wait,” interrupted Loki again. “Thor saw-”_

  
_Immediately, Loki forcibly stopped himself from saying too much. He still wasn’t positive about how much Amora knew._

  
_“Your arm turn blue,” said Amora continuing where Loki left off. Then leaning in close she whispered in his ear. “He saw, but didn’t comprehend, though that may be just a matter of time. You may have to figure out a way of silencing him before he returns from his banishment.”_

  
_“Don’t you even dare think of doing anything to my brother,” threatened Loki, glaring figurative holes into the blonde’s forehead._

  
_“But he’s not your brother, is he?” taunted Amora, tapping his nose with her finger._

  
_“Turning blue proves nothing,” said Loki, snatching her hand away from his face. “It was simply my shape-shifting abilities preventing me from getting hurt. A Jotun’s touch burns so my body became Jotun.”_

  
_“That’s a possibility; your body creating a form that is a lie so you don’t get hurt,” agreed Amore, sweetly; causing Loki to feel nervous. “But there’s something in here that you can’t lie to.”_

  
_Loki chanced a glance at the Casket of Ancient Winters, but Amora caught him looking and gave an encouraging smiling. She wanted him to grab it, to watch as he suffered the emotional devastation learning the truth would cause. He didn’t want to give her the satisfaction, but curiousity was gnawing at him._

  
_“If I was saved from the Jotun’s touch due to shape-shifting,” said Loki as he approached the Casket of Ancient Winters. “Then touching this will injure me severely.”_

  
_“It’s a good thing you can heal then,” replied Amora, almost causing Loki to laugh at the appropriateness of that particular trope. Then again it could simply be nervous laughter… or a nervous breakdown. He wasn’t quite sure yet._

  
_After picking up the Casket, he was sure. Shocked, he watched as his arms painlessly turned blue; where was pain and debilitating injuries when you needed them._

  
_“STOP!” exclaimed the All-Father, his voice ring throughout the vault._

  
_Numbly, Loki looked around the room; Amora was nowhere to be seen. Not that it really mattered, he was too upset care anymore. He needed to be comforted by his father; he didn’t even care if it was nothing, but empty lies._

  
_“Am I cursed?” asked Loki, already knowing the answer, but not wanting to hear it._

  
_“No,” replied Odin, shattering Loki’s last bit of hope._

  
_“What am I?” asked Loki, looking so lost._

  
_“You’re my son,” replied Odin, almost tenderly._

  
_“What more than that?” asked Loki, turning around as the blue slowly receded. Loki was practically hissing his words; honestly he couldn’t help, but be upset over getting lied to for so long._

  
_He knows that ran contradictory to his prior thoughts, but right now he was so confused and lost. Did it give him the right to lash out? Probably not. But he was hurting and he wanted his father understand that. To understand him. The man refused to even answer his last question._

  
_“The Casket wasn’t the only thing you took from Jotunheim that day, was it?” asked Loki, walking towards Odin maintaining eye-contact and refusing to coward from his one-eyed gaze. He needed answers._

  
_“No,” replied Odin, pausing briefly as he prepared to tell a tale that he had decided long ago to keep secret. Now he had no choice, but to divulge that information to the one it would hurt the most. This was not good timing; he was approaching Odin-Sleep and he knew it. “In the aftermath on the battle, I went into the temple. And I found a baby; small for a giant’s off-spring, abandoned, suffering, left to die, Laufey’s son.”_

  
_“Laufey’s son,” repeated Loki, numbly. Not wanting to believe it._

  
_“Yes,” confirmed Odin._

  
_“Why?” asked Loki, both confused and suspicious. “You were knee-deep in Jotun blood. Why would you take me?_

  
_“You were an innocent child,” answered Odin, not being entirely truthful and Loki knew it._

  
_“No, you took me for a purpose,” argued Loki, refusing to let Odin get away with his evasiveness. “What was it?”_

  
_There was a long uncomfortable silence. Loki waited for Odin to answer him, but anxiety was making him impatient._

  
_“TELL ME!” screamed Loki, tears running his pale face._

  
_“I thought we could unite our kingdoms one day,” answered Odin, hesitantly. “Bring about an alliance, bring about a permanent peace through you.”_  


_“What,” said Loki, bewildered._

  
_“But those plans no longer matter,” continued Odin, calmly. Loki wondered if that meant he no longer matter. He had been taken for a reason that he could not fulfill._

  
_“So I-I am no more than another stolen relic,” stuttered Loki, fear and anger taking control of his words. “Locked up here until you might have use of me.”_

  
_“Why do you twist my words?” asked Odin, exasperated, but still concerned._

  
_“You could have told me what I was from the beginning,” said Loki. “Why didn’t you?”_

  
_“You’re my son,” said Odin, his tone placating. “I wanted only to protect you from the truth.”_

  
_“Cause I’m the monster that parents tell their children about at night?” asked Loki, struggling to contain his sobs._

  
_“No,” muttered Odin, turning away, unable to face Loki. He could feel the Odin-Sleep weighing heavily on him; there was no good way of finishing this conversation with so little time left._

  
_“It all makes sense now. Why you always favoured Thor all these years?” said Loki, viciously. He was hurting and he wanted Odin to hurt too, so he could for once understand how he felt. “Cause no matter how much you claim to love me, you could never have a Frost Giant sitting on the throne of Asgard.”_

  
_Loki watched as his father collapsed to the ground. His anger was quickly replaced by fear and concern. Loki knelt by Odin’s side about to touch the old man’s hand when suddenly images of the effects of a Jotun’s touch bombarded his mind. He was scared and alone and it was all his fault._

  
_“Guards,” shouted Loki, knowing his father needed help. He was genuinely surprised that the Eirhergar hadn’t heard their argument. “Guards, please help.”_

  
_The men entered and quickly carried the All-Father to the healing chambers. Eir could at least fix this; there was so much more Loki had to worry about. And Amora was one of those problems he had to worry about. He watched as she emerged out of the shadows again. He didn’t know what her game was, but she had too much knowledge of events working in her favour; lots of blackmail material._

  
_“Well, that was a touching family moment,” said Amora, sarcastically. “You managed to put your adoptive father in a coma. Aren’t you so proud of yourself?”_

  
_“Get on with your demands and I’ll fulfill them to the best of my abilities,” said Loki, choosing to ignore Amora’s prior statement. He wanted her out of here and to have his secrets still intact without having to hurt anyone. “Afterwards you must make an unbreakable vow with me in which you swear not to divulge any information that may negatively implicate me. Do we have a deal?”  
_

_The reaction Loki got from Amora wasn’t anything like he expected; she was laughing. It was oddly unnerving as she broke into hysterics.  
_

_“Do you find humour in this?” accused Loki, feeling flustered. “In all honesty, I just want us to walk away from this on the best possible terms.”  
  
_

_“‘In all honesty,’ you say,” replied Amora, mockingly. “You’re incapable of such a thing.”_  


_“Just let me know what it is you desire?” demanded Loki, feeling annoyed by Amora’s taunts._

_  
“You,” answered Amora with a smirk.  
  
_

_Loki furrowed his brow in confusion, but before he could do anything else a strong set of arms grabbed him from behind and he then felt a ball of dust hit his face. He realized it was Dream Sand and unfortunately he had already inhaled a substantial amount of it. The effects were immediate; he was now too weak to fight and his thoughts too incoherent to process.  
_

_Loki’s vision blurred before blacking out entirely._

  
_End flashback_

  
Loki wasn’t sure what happened from that point in time. His memories were foggy up until the destruction of the BiFrost. During those times it felt as though his brain was made of cotton. And when he had stumbled into the hands of Thanos it felt as though he had every fiber of his being was burnt to ashes; Amora’s enchantments included. 

  
Even now, Loki could felt the mark of Thanos on his mind. That insane, purple beast of a man had truly broken him.  
But Loki had his pride and stared Amora head on. Looking away would denote weakness.

  
“Despite what may happen to me, you will not get away with this,” threatened Loki, with an outwardly calm demeanor. “Even in death, I will still guarantee you endless suffering.”

  
“You think so,” replied Amora, smirking as she left the dungeons.


End file.
